Just a note--If you are offended, in any way, by religion, skip this post. It is not meant to make anyone uncomfortable, or to offend anyone.
When I was in middle school my entire life was my friends, my family and my church. I spent at least 3 days a week participating in youth group, weekend services and volunteering. The majority of the meaningful relationships I had in my life at that time were friendships I had formed with people who were just as active in the church as I was. I remember feeling so loved and so welcome, no matter what was going on in my outside life, when I walked into the church. That all changed for me with a hateful rumor my sophomore year of high school. Looking back, it's hard to remember exactly what was said. I do, however, remember going to the pastor of my youth group looking for comfort. I was essentially told to "get over it." People who had been my friends for years were no longer talking to me, leaders were looking at me in, what seemed to be, a completely different light. The church went from a place of comfort and happiness to a place of rejection and hurt. I quit going to youth group, I let longtime friendships slip through my fingers without even trying to revive them, and I stopped serving and attending in every capacity. I was checked out. It took me months to even consider going back for regular weekend services. Even when I did decide to participate on the weekends, I wasn't allowing myself to get anything from the sermons. Attending every weekend eventually turned into attending "once in a while," which turned into not attending at all. It's been 7 years now and I find myself still struggling with everything I feel I've lost.
When I was in middle school my entire life was my friends, my family and my church. I spent at least 3 days a week participating in youth group, weekend services and volunteering. The majority of the meaningful relationships I had in my life at that time were friendships I had formed with people who were just as active in the church as I was. I remember feeling so loved and so welcome, no matter what was going on in my outside life, when I walked into the church. That all changed for me with a hateful rumor my sophomore year of high school. Looking back, it's hard to remember exactly what was said. I do, however, remember going to the pastor of my youth group looking for comfort. I was essentially told to "get over it." People who had been my friends for years were no longer talking to me, leaders were looking at me in, what seemed to be, a completely different light. The church went from a place of comfort and happiness to a place of rejection and hurt. I quit going to youth group, I let longtime friendships slip through my fingers without even trying to revive them, and I stopped serving and attending in every capacity. I was checked out. It took me months to even consider going back for regular weekend services. Even when I did decide to participate on the weekends, I wasn't allowing myself to get anything from the sermons. Attending every weekend eventually turned into attending "once in a while," which turned into not attending at all. It's been 7 years now and I find myself still struggling with everything I feel I've lost.
Because Matt was scheduled to work on Easter, we made plans to have dinner with his Mom and Stepfather the night before to celebrate the holiday. Bruce and Lavon were planning on going to the 5pm Easter service at the church and asked if we wanted to attend with them. Reluctantly, I agreed. The day of the service, I found myself trying to think of any excuse I could use to back out. As the day wore on I would think of something, decide to use it, and then feel guilty and talk myself out of it. Finally, it was 4:30pm and they were at our house to pick us up. It was too late to back out. When we got to the church, I made a B line for the auditorium. We picked our seats and waited for the service to begin. The whole time we were sitting there, I felt awkward and uncomfortable. Once the service began, all of that seemed to fall to the wayside. I was overcome with emotion. It felt so good to be apart of of a place that had fundamentally changed my entire life, even at such a young age. I left the church that evening feeling so conflicted. I knew that God was calling me to be a part of his ministry, through my church. Yet, I felt weighed down by the fact that there were, and still are, so many people at the church that made me feel so useless and unworthy. I fought with those emotions for several days but ultimately decided that I was going to try to get involved again.
Then, something came up today that was entirely unexpected. Yet again, I let my guard down and it came back to bite me in the ass. Yet again, the betrayal is coming from someone who I've considered a good friend for a lot of years--someone I know through the church. At first, I felt hurt and sad. Now, I see it for what it truly is. Childish. I refuse to let 2 or 3 people keep me from where I'm supposed to be. Some people will never grow up...and if they want to stay in a perpetual state of childish behavior, who am I to stop them? At some point, we have to allow the past to be just that, the past. I'm going to do my best to rise above it all and focus on what is right in front of me...my family, my husband, my friends--and my future. If I can do that, the rest will fall into place. I'm not going to allow my past to define my future anymore, and neither should you.
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thank you for sharing this. it must've been very hard.
ReplyDeleteperhaps these people are obstacles God put in front of you as a test so you could find out for yourself exactly where you are supposed to be? and now you know you are right where you belong. :) good for you and continue to rise above the hate, girl. it will always be a battle! xx
I can't say thank you enough for those kind words. It was definitely hard...and even harder to share! I'm learning to appreciate the good in people, and ignore the bad. It's going to be a process--but I'll get there. (:
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